The Incredible Spider-like Things No One Has Ever Seen

The big joke among us is that you don’t even know we exist. We have watched you evolve from nothing, noted every development in every culture and still managed to keep our movements invisible from you. We conduct random experiments on you daily, but you remain completely unaware.

Lately I’ve been stealing duct tape from my current resident, just to fuck him up. He’s bought about four rolls since he moved in last September—all gone. I’ve brought one out once in a while (when he doesn’t need it, naturally) then he thinks he has some. But it always goes back into hiding before he wants it.

Actually, the whole block is collecting duct tape. We are betting on one another’s men as to who will buy the most rolls. The bounty is a little runt of a cat who broke our ancient compact: sworn secrecy for the price of life. A cat is a delicacy with us, since so few are suicidal; we really enjoy hearing them whimper while we suck them dry, but we are generally to lazy to stalk the underfed strays. This particular cat was no kitten, and it was certainly no mistake. The little bastard lead his man to a giiaraiig in the midst of reading the Findings page of Harper’s Magazine.

Typically a giiaraiig would just go ahead and feast on the cat himself, but yoiiroy was already quite full from the human—an impressive 370 pound man. I still don’t know how or why he was so eager to gorge himself on such a massive being, especially when a suicide would have been so easy to fake: I mean 370 lbs., what’s there to live for?

Actually, I know the real reason is because he wanted to offer up the cat for a big collection of duct tape, and because he has a taste for human blood. Come to think of it, I’m not sure he didn’t make up the whole story about being interrupted over Harper’s, sounds a little to convenient to me.

In any case, the duct tape is for an art project/experiment yoiiroy has concocted. He intends to build a giant giiaraiig out of the tape and erect atop Garbage Hill, the highest peak in the city. No one will know what it is or who put it there, but god will you wonder. It will be the greatest piece of Mystery Art this city has ever seen!

Of course there is resistance among the older establishment, some of whom know this plan. No one’s too worried though—you’ll never figure it out. We will inside laugh like nitrous-oxide huffing hyenas, as you puzzle over this one. I can’t wait to see the look on Barb Stewarts face as she introduces it on CKY News. Hopeless humans, how we love toying with you, even though our mission is to collect data as empirically as possible. Sometimes a gag is irresistible.